


Supposed (To Pretend)

by joshlymanwalkandtalk (Joshlymanwalkandtalk)



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode: s02e02 In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 2, Flashback, M/M, Masturbation, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 22:30:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10580820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joshlymanwalkandtalk/pseuds/joshlymanwalkandtalk
Summary: Sam is pretending he wants what he's supposed to





	

**Author's Note:**

> Picks up where the first flashback left off  
> (a refresher... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmdRVcChzCA)

It felt like slow motion when Josh walked away, swallowed by the New York sidewalk traffic. It was like he dissolved from sight, descending into the current of a human ocean.

Sam stood with his hands still in his pockets, unable to take his eyes away from where Josh faded away. He sighed. He didn't know how to feel. Josh’s boyish smile made his breath catch. Josh's eyes made his heart pound. Deep in his gut was where he was most unsure. They fell into their old rhythm again, just like he had always remembered. And loved. He knew Josh was on one of his adventurous and risky quests, but it didn’t matter what got Sam the chance to be sought out again. Sam realized it had been too long apart when he heard Josh’s name and his skin got hot. Now, a chill washed over him.

He thought about Josh’s offer. He could run away from the sludge of slimy but lucrative deals to a maybe. He could drop the life he had finally gotten the hang of to throw it all away on a chance. And Josh would be there.

Sam smiled and sighed again, his dimples shallow and eyes unfocused. When he walked back to his office, his shoulders weren’t as sharp as they had been when he found Josh in his office and found himself in Josh’s arms.

  
  


Sam’s apartment echoed hollow. It was more hollow than his trendy, minimalist interior design usually sounded when he came home. There was a sharp clang when dropped his briefcase on the hardwood floor. It hurt his ears. He dropped himself into a worn leather chair and enjoyed the remaining quiet.

Lisa was away on a story, gone for the rest of the week. He missed her enough, but he was selfishly glad he didn’t have to face her tonight. He felt heaviness in the pit of his stomach, but sighed with guilty relief. She wouldn’t have understood why a visit from a  good friend would leave him so quiet and he never wanted her to know.

He was too tired to reach down and continue looking over his notes, too tired to make himself a late dinner. Luckily, his assistant made sure lunch showed up on his desk so that he had more than a hotdog fueling his never ending pile of research. When he left, the office was dark and empty.

Sam’s fingers squeaked against the taut leather under his steadying grip, and pulled himself to standing like a man made of molasses. He’d have to be back to the office in 6 hours, a luxurious amount of time to sleep.

He shed his clothes lazily; his shirt hung on the doorknob, his pants pooled on the floor. He melted into the plush duvet and let his eyes adjust to the darkness. He rolled to the middle of the bed into a new, cool spot. He stared at the ceiling and spread out like an angel, the edges of the bed far and empty in every direction.

Sam rolled back to his usual half of the bed. His hands draped across his stomach. His eyes lost focus of the ceiling. And he thought about Josh again. He was embarrassed at his own mind and how easily his thoughts fell back again and again. He hadn’t heard Josh’s voice in months, hadn’t seen Josh’s face in… years? That couldn’t be right, but it felt like it. Sam forgot how infatuated he was with Josh’s smile. Josh’s deep dimples made Sam grin in return, no matter how he felt. Inevitably, Josh would always set him off on something, poking him until he was frustrated and raising his voice. Then Josh would flash Sam a playful smile, leaving Sam biting his cheek to keep from smiling in acquiescence. It left his belly in flutters.

Sam took a deep breath and let it out slow. He could feel those flutters in his belly and his skin felt warm. He pushed down the duvet, letting his skin cool in the still air. He could hear the faintest sounds of traffic, but he lived so far above them.

His heart pounded deep in his chest. Thump thump thump. Not too fast, not breathlessly, just a firm reminder, a steady grab for attention. His hand ghosted across his stomach, back and forth. He was acting casual for no one, pretending he didn’t know what he was doing. He raised his other hand to rest above his head and closed his eyes. His muscles loosened one by one, his chest releasing a quiet sigh. Sam bit his lip and wrapped his fingers around his growing erection.

The smile in his mind washed his frustration and embarrassment away. Dammit.

  
  


Sam stumbled through the dark. He shuffled across the hard tiles, cold beneath his bare feet. The stark white of the bathroom made the sudden light sharp and painful. Sam scrunched his face and closed his eyes. Through the slits of his lids, he made his way to the sink and started the tap. The cold water grew warm on his hands. He lathered his hands quickly, the soap smelling strongly of Lisa’s lilac scent.

With one eye, Sam looked at himself in the mirror. It was almost too hard to see and be seen with a single eye. All he could see was a swooning teenager with a crush on the cutest asshole in school.

He abruptly pulled his hands from the water, shocked by the too hot stream. He couldn’t keep losing focus in favor of his silly fantasies. He had a life to take care of, soon a wife, and this was the plan he had set in front of himself. The one he was supposed to want.

He wondered how long it would take to forget about the Josh-shaped absence this time. It never got easier. The distractions he could find in work and Lisa only detracted from his pining heart so much. He told himself it was worth the racing thoughts and what ifs because it meant he got to see Josh, even if Sam was just another stop on another ridiculous crusade. It was supposed to be enough.

He dried his hands and padded back to bed, burying himself under the duvet away from the traffic and the stillness. He had 5 hours until he had to leave his makeshift cocoon. He would be going back into the world and pretending to forget about how Josh made him feel. His mask would be fixed, the flutters in his gut tucked away. Until next time. Tomorrow would hurt, but he had ships to take care of and he had to find it in himself to focus and do what he was supposed to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Help me revive this dead fandom!


End file.
